


Unadulterated Impulse

by Lokis_boo_03



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-22 21:41:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 18,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13175763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lokis_boo_03/pseuds/Lokis_boo_03
Summary: When Cas is gone for such a long time, Dean finally feels security when he’s found by him and his brother again... but Cas hides behind lies and fear and a dark past in heaven which his is running from. When Dean’s security is ripped away, with Castiel too, he must find them both again to finally feel control over keeping what he loves alive.“I’d never want you dead.”





	1. Don’t Talk About Him

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't published any fics for about a year now... maybe?? I thought it would be a really good idea to publish a story again; i love writing but usually worry too much about if other people like what i write or not and forget that it should only matter that i like it, and if other people like it and if it makes other people happy then it's a huuuge bonus. I'm also really passionate about writing and do it pretty much all the time when I'm not doing music stuff or painfully S H R E I K I N G about school. I just really want to share what i make with people that wanna see what i make and people who like the same stuff as me.
> 
> This is also like a project for me, to kinda get over my anxiety because I've left personal therapy pretty recently for my anxiety and stuff. But it's a big thing for me right now to try and do things that I wouldn't usually do, haven't done in a while, or really want to do. I really want to put stories out there again because it makes me extremely happy, but it makes me nervous... so I'm gonna do it?? Which terrifies me, but hopefully it will make me better in the long run when it comes to stuff like this (which i love a lot.) Parts of this fic might seem a little rushed but I really just wanted to write one to get back into the swing of publishing my fics. I also wanted to write one with a happy ending to make it easier on the feels; the last destiel fic I published didn't end... happy... at all... I'm also publishing this on both Wattpad and Ao3 to see which I prefer and maybe change to primarily using one more than the other. Idk yet but if anyone has any comparisons of the two, please let me know them. 
> 
> I should also probably say that i had to alter certain aspects of the show for this to all fit well, like in one part Sam and Dean use a spell that i think Rowena performed in season 12 at one point. But i had to kind of change that so Sam and Dean could perform it themselves and so the fic wouldn't drag too much. If you have any questions you can just ask or pop up. Anyone feel free to pop up to me in my direct messages too if you wanna chat about supernatural and stuff. 
> 
> (Like 80% of this is Cas' P.O.V.)
> 
> Hope you enjoy XXX 
> 
> (I'm about to shamelessly self promo so you can skip to the first chapter now if you want;
> 
> Tumblr: ok-spn  
> Instagrams: ok_spn, smiths_division and filthy.little.novak which is high key a dead count but I'm trying to salvage it.   
> Twitter: TheSunAndHeir.  
> Wattpad: Ok-spn

~ Cas ~

"You're actually such an assbutt." I laughed to my older brother, Gabriel, and shoved him as we walked down the street to school.

"What? It's true Cas!" He defended himself. 

"It's true that Eleanor," the 'hottest girl in college', "made out with you last night?" 

He guffawed, "Yeah, why is that so hard for you to believe?" 

"Because, by the way you describe her, she's amazing... and you're... you." I stared back at him, "no offence." 

"I may be an angel, but she's stunning so I don't even blame you for saying that."

"I still don't believe you." I told him as we walked by a bunch a tree leading to the school campus, signifying that we were close. 

He didn't reply, just snickered to himself again. 

By the time reached my high school the students were already flooding in through the doors. Gabe said goodbye to me and went on walking to make it to college in time; he was never there on time. It's not too far away as we have a joint campus but it was still a few minutes walk and we already left ten minutes later than usual. He always said he liked to watch me 'make my own way in the world' but that just makes him sound like dad, and both of their ways of doing that were way too abrupt... like shoving me straight into a human high school. 

In school I was quiet, other than when I was with Charlie and Sam. Charlie was like a computer nerd -geeky but adorable, smart -and Sam's kind of the same, but a lot quieter than Charlie and gives off a more secretive vibe. I definitely know more about Charlie than about Sam, even if I'd known Sam for longer. Well, if I'm honest, I've not really known any of them too long; I only came here four months ago and met Charlie two months after that, but i became friends with Sam instantly. He had a brother that he didn't speak about, never speaks about his parents, or himself really... I didn't even know his last name. That part was what weirded me out the most; your last name is just a thing, a thing that people know... but if he was trying to hide personal stuff like that, even his name, then why? 

I tried not to think about it too much or I'd freak myself out; I'd be thinking about it constantly until it consumed me and I'd probably, eventually, act very different around Sam. I didn't want that at all.

Charlie kept no secrets though, she went on tangents about her childhood frequently, and talked a lot too. Which is nice; me and Sam weren't big speakers. I think I favoured Sam a little more though; he keeps me relaxed at school. Nobody, not even Sam or Charlie, know that me or my brothers are angels and I found it really difficult to keep my cosmic abilities under control; being on another planet was stressful and made me want to scream and have a meltdown. But having a good friend around to calm me down like Sam helped a lot. 

"Hey." Sam smiled and waved over at me as I sat down at the circle table at the back of the library. Sam sat with his arms crossed on the table doodling onto some paper as Charlie sat by him with her legs out on the chair next to her, "Hey baby face." 

"Shut up." I laughed; she has this weird thing for goofy nicknames. Mine is typically something to do with my 'baby face' because I still look I'm 7 and not 17. Sam tries to assure me still that I'll 'look like a man one day' but he always says it with a laugh. 

"How are you then?" Charlie asked loudly, throwing her legs off of the chair and turning to face me. 

"Eh, fine I guess." 

She nudged Sam so that he'd answer too. "Same." 

"Jeez," she rolled her eyes to the back of her head, "tuff crowd this morning." 

"We're not all morning people." I reminded her for the millionth time this week.

"You guys aren't anything people." 

By the end of the school day, me and Gabe were walking home together and Sam stayed behind to do homework in the library with Charlie. Gabe and I get on well enough; we don't hate each other, but we don't love each other either... typical brother kind of thing. Our other brothers though; Luci and Michael, are ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARES! Luckily, they don't live at home anymore because Michael lives with his friends across the country and Lucifer is... well, no one really knows anymore; he used to come and go as he pleased, but one day he just went, and still isn't back. We assumed he left to flee Dad's wrath after he became uncontrollable just after i arrived to live on earth with them. We haven't seen him in 3 months but he'll probably turn up. We live with our dad, Chuck... or god, but he's away a lot on 'important business in heaven' he tells us so it's typically just me and Gabe at home. Gabe always believed that dad left so much because Luci was his 'favourite' son and him being such a 'disappointment' let him down so he saw no point in spending so much time around us, but that was probably just his unnecessary anger being let out on Chuck. 

At the dinner table, we sat in silence, just the radio playing shitty music from the kitchen as we sat at the dark wood dining table in the other room, "When do you think Luci will be back?" 

"Don't talk about him." 

"Okay then... what about dad?" 

"You mean Chuck?," he looked up from some shit book he wasn't even reading, "Don't talk about him either."


	2. Is He Missing?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking about the past is difficult when you’re not from the planet you’re pretending to be from.

~ Cas ~

"Are those guys still giving you a hard time?" Charlie asked out of the blue at lunch as she ate a cereal bar. 

"Yeah I guess." 

The 'I guess' was definitely an understatement; it was definitely a Yes. 

Sam was staying silent all day and neither me or Charlie knew why. Her and I had some of the same lessons but us and Sam had none of the same at all so he was pretty much alone all day except from having Kevin, a guy I knew he knew in his classes. But Charlie and I had no idea if something had happened in class to make him stay quiet... or even something at home. 

I'd been getting trouble all day too from some guys in my class. My brother Luci didn't like their other brother and I guess they thought that means they couldn't like me? Which was probably the most stupid thing anyone could do. The other thing with them was that they seemed to dislike anyone who wasn't just like them... and I seemed to be the exact opposite of them; they were more disruptive and violent, I was more quiet and compassionate I guess. They took this as an opportunity to beat the shit out of me... which was another of the most stupid things someone could do. Not because I was particularly intimidating, but because when I ever lost my cool and let things build up inside of myself, it wasn't always pretty and often a surprise to me and whoever was on the other end of it.

I never realised how long I'd get lost in my thoughts for, but when I zoned back in, the subject had completely changed and Charlie was trying to talking about family, siblings, parents and home stuff. 

"You don't have any siblings right Charlie?" Sam asked her, and I could tell he mainly only asked her so that none of us asked him any questions about family. 

"Nope, None. Just me and dad." 

We didn't ask about her mother; in this friendship group if someone didn't bring something personal up, you don't ask. We could tell it was a sensitive subject too; she had a little sad look in her eyes when she talked about her dad and home. 

"What about you?" We never talked about personal things that much so whenever we had a chance Charlie tried to ask as much as she can because she seems to like knowing things about people. 

"Just me and my brother." Sam replied simply. The brother that he never spoke about, as with most things. 

Charlie looked at me next. 

"Me and Gabe... my dads away a lot and I have 3 brothers." 

"3 Brothers?" Charlie asked again like she was surprised. But, If i called all of the angels my 'brothers' then they'd really be surprised by the amounts of siblings they'd think I'd have.

I always thought that I talked a lot about my family, but maybe it just felt like that because Sam doesn't... I guess I didn't ever really tell them as much as I should.

"Yeah, I live with just Gabe, Michael lives on the other side of the country, my dad's away on work a lot and we don't know where Luci is." 

"Is he missing?" Charlie asked again; shocked... again. 

I laughed at her, "no, he just leaves a lot and comes back when he wants." 

"Oh." She furrowed her brows in confusion. 

"Mysterious." Sam laughed a little as he sipped his drink. 

I smiled back to him as we put our things away and got up to make our way to class once again.


	3. Today You’re My Little Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas decides to stand up to his bullies, which will lead to him meeting the love os his life... in the next chapter ooooh.

~ Cas ~

I decided to walk to school with Sam in the morning; I caught him coming out of a shop near my house and walked with him. The wind was chilly as we walked together, making our breath come out in little clouds before us. 

"So your brother's name is actually Luci?" He asked, seeming genuinely interested as he pulled his sleeves over his hands to stop them from getting too cold.

"Yep." 

"Like... with a 'Y' or..?" 

"No, with an I at the end." 

"Ohh," he looked at me a little confused, "not gonna lie, 'Cas' is a little weird too." 

"Yeah," it had always been something people had wondered about, it was the kind of name everyone asked you about twice even after you had told them what you were called, "it's short for Castiel actually." 

"Castiel? I never knew that was your full name." His brows furrowed a little with interest. 

"Whatever Samuel." I mocked.

He laughed at me as the guys that caused me trouble at school rode past on their bikes hurling some abuse that was inaudible over the roar of passing cars as they rode on the other side of the street. 

"Just ignore them," I told Sam, "they just don't like my brother." 

"Which one?" 

"Luci." I replied simply.

He stayed quiet, like maybe he had an understanding of rebellious older brothers... or not; I wouldn't know. But after that, Sam and I walked in pretty much silence, it might have become awkward if we weren't so close to the school already. 

Later that day, at dinner, I went outside to finally get some fresh air after being inside all day. While Charlie and Sam stayed in the library so they didn't 'freeze to death' I decided to go outside and text Gabe a little. My eyes were shocked away from my phone as someone hit me around the back of the head savagely, "who you texting?" The voice snarled. It was Gene, one of Darren's friends who'd cause me shit at school. His lack of correct phrasing irritated me to a point of anger. 

"It's none of your business." I told him, and I was definitely right. 

"Oh, no, it is." 

"How so?" I tilted my head a little for two reasons: I genuinely didn't know why, and I wanted to seem as sarcastic as I could to rile him up a little more. But before he could even answer, Darren waltzed over, "Is this dipshit causing you trouble?" He asked Gene like they were in some kind of college mafia gang. 

Gene shook his head a little, "nah, if he was, I'd teach him a lesson." 

They both cackled and got closer to me like sharks circling prey, and with every exchanged sentence more people would accumulate near us to see what they'd do to me this time.

My phone was quickly snatched from me as Gene announced to Darren, "Just texting one of his shithead brothers." 

"Luci?" 

"No, just the other worthless one." He scoffed, both of them now. 

I shot him a glare, "don't talk about him like that." 

But before I could even comprehend it, I was swooped off of my feet as Darren grabbed my shirt collar and held me against a wall by it, "I talk about whoever the fuck I want, however the fuck I want. You got that Fag?" 

I spat in his face because there was nothing I could think to say, I was just waiting for him to put me down so that I could finally get out all of the anger and rage I'd been keeping in. 

He instantly threw me to the concrete ground and wiped my spit off of his face and began to walk away, "Little bitch." I heard him mutter to his friends as the majority of the people that had come to watch, dispersed at the lack of action that they had anticipated previously. 

Recently all of my emotions, and abilities that I had been trying to keep control of, had been escaping in the most human ways that I could seem to let them; anger or passion. The anger was coming and I could feel it seeping as I stood up and shouted back, "HEY!" 

They turned, even the crowd turned, and it made me feel small and shaky, "aww look, he's trying to defend himself." 

"It's about time I did." I told myself as I stood up, dusted off my hands and everything just blanked for me. My head felt hot with rage against the freezing cold outside and my whole body became suddenly numb with fury.

But when I returned from my furious daydream-like state, everything was silent... you could have heard a pin drop until a great wail escaped Darren as he knelt on the floor, clutching his broken arm. I could feel the blood dripping down from my nose and the pain was slowly seeping in through me where he had punched me in the face. I'd have a black eye and Gabe would definitely know about this then. But that wasn't worth worrying about now; I finally had control.

Slowly, I leant down to get closer to Darren's ear, "Today you're my little bitch."


	4. Weird One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He was handsome; impossibly handsome.”

~ Cas ~

Later that night, I was kept behind after school as the school tried to contact a family member of mine to come and talk to the principle. They said that it couldn't be Gabe because he's a student too, or something else stupid like that. I took a seat outside of the the huge office as principal Royland talked to someone on the phone. There was no heating in the large room and the only thing to fill the space were a few chairs and the desk of the receptionist who’d already left for home. 

It was getting dark outside as Gabe waited for me at home, I could only imagine how angry he’d be at me now. I tried not to think of it to much as I sat in silence with a stranger from Gabe’s year in college, he was only around 19, and me 17. He was an easy distraction from thinking about Gabe; This guy was handsome, impossibly handsome, with short hair and a big leather jacket on his lap. As he drummed an unknown tune on his knee with his fingertips, his fingers hitting the denim that he wore. After about ten minutes of nothing, he finally spoke out of the awkward silence, "So why are you here then?" His eyebrows raised as he looked over at me with his head tilted in my direction.

"Nothing really." I didn't want to sound like I was trying to seem all strong and brave; something I definitely was not. 

"Well," he smiled, his white teeth peeking through between his lips, "The fresh bruise on your eye tells me otherwise." 

I raised my hand to my eye again, not realising i had such a noticeable bruise; I hadn't looked in a mirror yet. When I looked back to his eyes, they were unbruised and a perfect emerald green, the kind you could fall in love with at first sight... and that might sound stupid, but it definitely sounded human, and that was what I was aiming for.

"I guess I beat someone up." I shrugged, trying to play it cool, which never worked for me. 

He smiled a little at me, not seeming like it was a big deal, "what'd you do?"

Words escaped me before i could even start to let them, "Broke his arm." 

He nodded and grinned even more with creases at his eyes, maybe he could tell I was usually the little guy that gets picked on or maybe he was just genuinely interested, "Nice."

I smiled again to myself, "I'm Cas by the way." 

"Cas? Weird one," I smirked too this time; I knew it was coming, "I'm Dean." His hand extended for me to shake it, So i did. His hands were like sand paper unlike mine, which were pretty soft, and his shake was strong... unlike mine which was pretty weak. 

Just as I was about to say more and try to make conversation with the most perfect human I had seen on the planet thus far, I saw Lucifer strut through the door, dark sunglasses on for no reason; it wan't sunny, and a leather jack slung over his shoulder as he held the hook loop in the collar. The jacket was kind of like Dean's.

Luci looked rough; we didn't even know where he'd been and then he turned up at my school? It made no sense and would probably get Gabe and I killed if other angels saw him. 

I stood up instantly, "what the fuck? You show up now?" he shushed me and looked over at Dean. 

"I've heard about your little antics Castiel. This is the only reason I have come to see you."

I shook my head, "I did what I had to do."

He gritted his teeth angrily, rage flashing through him, "You said that when you came to us from Hea-" 

"Shut. Up." I motioned over to Dean with my eyes and Lucifer stopped after realising that he had almost slipped up about coming from heaven. 

Lucifer was guided into the office by the principle and I sat with him as principle Royland tried to convince Luci that I did something bad, But he wouldn't have it; he was a strong advocate of violence... but I was only standing up for myself after all. The other reason was because Lucifer wanted to get out as quickly as he could, without leaving any change in his path so that Gabe and I could stay where we were. 

I glanced at Dean as we left and he was ushered in. As he disappeared through the door, Dean turned over his shoulder and winked at me through the glass, smirking while Luci droned on about how Gabe can't know he'd been here. Luckily I wasn't being made to leave the school; Lucifer put up a real fight to get me kept in. 

He dropped me off at home and i didn't even mention Lucifer to Gabe, just told him some bullshit lie about them being easy on me because I was a good student, which he believed well enough. 

"When Chuck left heaven with us to raise us as 'real archangels' and 'servants of humans', it was only me, Lucifer and Micheal. But when you got booted out years after, Chuck let you stay; to be good, not to fucking break your classmates in your 'normal, human life'." Gabe ranted as I walked upstairs, not listening; I'd heard this a billion times before. I spent the rest of my night upstairs, thinking partly about Dean and partly about Lucifer as I lay in bed... but definitely mostly Dean.


	5. Unadulterated Impulse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cafe, love, cute stuff like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I’ve been uploading chapters kind of randomly. My next fic will definatley be more organised than this, It’s just difficult trying to upload to Wattpad and Ao3 at the same time. But I'm leaning more towards Ao3 rn; this fic on Wattpad has 0 reads and here it has about 90 lmao

~ Cas ~

It was Saturday so I didn't have any school and decided to go to a cafe for breakfast. Gabe wouldn't talk to me after yesterday because he was mad at me; he thought that me beating up this other guy could have lead to me 'exposing' my 'abilities' but I had more faith in myself than he obviously did.

At the cafe I decided to order just a coffee and waited for it at the hard wooden counter before looking around for somewhere to sit. Laying my eyes upon an empty booth, my legs carried me there and before I knew it, I was sat there waiting for the coffee to cool down. The booth seats were light brown and the nearby windows were frozen with the cold. I stared deeply into the dark pool in my cup and thought about where Lucifer could be now, the dark wooden table shook a little as someone slotted themselves into the even brighter red leather couch of the booth. I was ready to say something because I really just wanted a quiet morning alone after yesterday; I needed to just sit and think. But I smiled when I saw that it was Dean. 

"Mornin' Cas." He smiled that smile. It made my insides go all fluttery and I couldn't help but smile back at him. Sheer confidence radiated off of him. 

I took a sip of my coffee that had cooled down more than it was when I got it, "Morning." The coffee filled my insides with even more warmth, but still it couldn't equate to the amount of warmth I felt when looking at Dean.

"What happened yesterday with that guy you were with then, in the principles office?" 

I shrugged, "Nothing really; they're letting me stay in the school though." 

He smiled and his eyes glowed warm, like perhaps it made him happy. I'd taken to him quite quickly already, "Good." Just like yesterday, he winked at me, "so who was that guy you were with?"

"Oh, that's just my brother Luci." I took another sip of my coffee as he laughed, "Do all of your family have odd names?" 

I laughed too, "Kind of." 

When my coffee was done, Dean and I just stayed talking for hours in the cafe even though breakfast time was well and truly over. There were heavy gusts of wind blowing the trees back and forth, so I wrapped my jacket around me as I stood up, "Wait, Cas," Dean stood up too, grabbing my wrist as I left the cafe, "Do you maybe wanna go do something?" he asked, looking into my eyes deeply and still keeping hold of my wrist as we stood in the doorway, probably annoying fellow customers as the breeze was let in by the open door. 

My phone vibrated angrily in my pocket and I already knew it was going to be Gabe asking where I was, "Sorry, but I'm really busy; school and stuff." Though I would have loved to hang out with Dean, I couldn't aggravate Gabriel even further; he was way more powerful than me.

He nodded, letting go of me and looking away for a second as disappointment flashed across his face, "At least let me walk you home." 

I smiled softly, "Sure." He grinned a wide toothy grin and opened ushered me out first before closing the door for me on his way out.

We talked all the way home, not ever running out of topics; likes and dislikes, nuisances and jokes and even cliche things like favourite colours and animals. But this just made the walk feel shorter which was too upsetting to imagine for me. 

As we neared my house, we got onto the subject of family, less about his but more about mine, "So who do you live with?" He didn't lay off questions like my friends at school. 

"One of my brothers. The other 2 live away and Chuck- I mean Dad, works away a lot." I explained as Dean nodded along with the words that I said. 

"I get that." He said simply, not delving deeper. Just giving me an outline of what he wanted to show me about himself.

I stopped abruptly on the pavement, almost forgetting to go home as I was so concentrated on the conversation... or just him. 

"This is my house." I said awkwardly; goodbyes were always awkward. 

He looked at it for a second, the large lawn and big white walls of the house made it look a lot nicer than it felt when I was inside, "It's nice." He told me with a small smile, slight awkwardness setting upon us. 

"See you on Monday maybe?" I asked him. I really hoped to see him on Monday. 

Smirking his boyish smile again, his teeth looked whiter every time, "Maybe." But you could tell in his tone of voice that he meant Definitely. A wave overtook me again, like yesterday, but a nicer wave of unadulterated impulse. Maybe all of these waves were just my uncontrollable powers manifesting in more 'human' ways; the most controlled I could get them. But I was defiantly not complaining as everything went blank again and i came back with my lips pulling off of his cheek, the touch of stubble still prickling my lips after. By the looks of things, Dean wasn't complaining either as he smiled down at me. 

Though it had only been a couple of days, i really liked him, strongly liked him... and he wasn't ever telling me otherwise. 

"So, Monday?" I reminded him. 

"Monday." 

I walked down the lawn to the front door and waved Dean off as I went inside, shutting the door behind me and standing against it with my eyes closed and a smile plastered onto my face. Pure, stubbly bliss stayed printed onto my lips, and the image of his smile stayed printed in my mind.


	6. He Left Us Cas!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angry Bois get spooked

~ Cas ~

I was rudely distracted from homework on, what was supposed to be, a quiet Sunday evening to Gabe screaming my name as he bolted up the stairs, "Cas you little shit!" I jumped upright at the desk on my small black chair, "What!?"

Violently, the door to my room swung open and I was faced with him; pure unfiltered rage staining Gabe's face, "You saw Lucifer!" 

"No, no. I didn't. I swear!" I was ready to say more but Gabriel cut me off, taking a step closer to me with gritted teeth. 

"Shut up!" Another step closer, "I checked our voicemails and there's one from the school, thanking a Mr 'Luci Novak' your 'older guardian and former student' for coming to the school and having a chat! - And I damn well know you've seen him! I know it you little shit!"

"Fine, Fine!," I held my hands up in weak protest, "But I swore not to tell you; I couldn't!" With every word I spoke, I noticed Gabriel's teeth would clench together a little more as the light at my desk would flicker ever so slightly. But I continued to explain anyway, "Look, you know how powerful he is; what he could do to me if I told you. I had no choice; you guys are all arch-fucking-angels for crying out loud!"

His eyes narrowed at me in rage, "You know what I could do to you too!"

I stood up from my chair, ready to bolt past him, "Lucifer's ruthless, you have mercy... you're more caring."

"Not when you fuck everything up for me!"

"How is this everything to you?!" I pleaded for an answer, I didn't understand why he cared so much about finding Lucifer. Yeah, I guess I cared about Gabriel more than the others, mainly because Lucifer and Michael always threatened and intimidated me and I didn't particularly want them around... but Gabe seemed like he needed Lucifer to come back, and I didn't understand why he only cared about Luci.

"Because! If Lucifer's back, then Chuck's back! -And we need Chuck back!" For a moment, I could almost see his strong guard slip down, "We need him to tell us- to tell me what to do! Look, I have no idea what to do here anymore. He left us Cas! He left me to look after you, he left me and you because his favourites were such disappointments. He left us! Do you not see that?"

I shook my head in naïve defiance, "B-But he's doing important stuff."

Gabe's head shook in return, "He's gone Cas, he's left us! Do you not understand?!"

This was new for me, to see so much genuine hurt in someone's eyes... especially Gabriel's. Gabe always put on a brave face, or masked his pain in jokes and tricks and stupidity. But it was almost like he couldn't do it anymore, like he was done with pretending after faking being okay for so long. I knew how he felt though; I wanted Chuck back too, and I wanted everything to feel okay. Gabe told me that things were okay for a while; I guess things just ruined themselves around the time I got thrown from heaven and Chuck let me live with them. When i arrived to stay with them, We had about a week or two until all hell broke loose... luckily, not literally this time. But Michael left a week or two after I had arrived, and lucifer left for good after my first whole month, with Chuck leaving a week after that. So then it was just Gabe and I, and I wouldn't really want to look after me and be stranded on earth either. Though, yes, I was stranded; I wasn't stuck looking after a lower angel; I'm a seraph; higher than most angels, but lower than the archangels. Human's would call me a 'Guardian Angel' but I was just... me... and I would still hate protecting another angel, lower or higher, a planet that I could never understand. 

"I get it Gabe. I want him back too, I just- I don't know... if he's gone now for good, Chuck I mean, then we should just try and get used to it at least." I tried to reason with him. But I could tell by now that that wasn't what he wanted at all. 

He shook his head, "Just leave it Cas. It doesn't even matter." He turned around and left me alone, like he didn't even care about the Lucifer thing anymore. 

I walked quickly over to my door and looked at Gabe as he slowly made his way down the stairs, "Gabe-."

I was going to say more but, as we stared at each other, suddenly all of the lights flickered wildly as he house shook, making the cabinets jostle and books fall madly from shelves. Gabe's eyes narrowed and he looked me dead straight with panic, "-Run," 

Gabe was gone. 

Oh how I wish I’d left.


	7. It’s Cas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lost and found stuff

~ Dean ~

I never saw Cas after that Saturday, not even once. We were supposed to meet up on Monday but i couldnt get a hold of him. Nobody could. After he left, I found out that he was Sammy's friend at school; Sam hadn't seen him either. His friend, Charlie, didn't know where he'd got to and not even the school knew. Apparently he never really mentioned family so there was no one we could try and get in contact with, but he was gone for good. We knew that for sure. 

A few months after Cas disappeared, Sam and I had to as well; the life of a hunter always meant we never got to stay in one place for too long. Everything changed so quickly after Cas left and even though I had only known him for a couple days... I'd been missing him for years. Sam and I had met up with Sam's friend Charlie a while after, but things never ended well for the people we cared about.

"Hey Dean," Sam called me as he sat down at the main desk in the bunker, placing his laptop in front of him, "Get this," He turned it round to me, "All of the lights in this town are going faulty for no reason when they're brand new, they're also having strange weather phenomena. Look, I know it might be nothing but we should really get out; we haven't had anything to follow up on in a while; everything's been pretty quiet."

I sighed and agreed just to please him, and besides, a hunt did sound good right about now, "Yeah, we should check it out. I've heard word of angels around there too recently."

Sam nodded back before telling me he was going to grab some stuff, leaving me alone at the table. 

We'd met a few angels before, none of which we had particularly gotten along with; we'd all tried to kill each other at least once. I could put up an argument as to why even goddamn demons were better than angels, at least Sam and I didn't want to kill Crowley as much as we wanted to kill all of the angels we had ever met. 

After a half an hour drive, Sam and I pulled up to an empty neighbourhood. All of the houses were newly built and nobody had moved in yet, probably because of the newly-installed 'faulty' electrics. 

Recently I'd been feeling really off, after not having a big win for a while... so i really didn't feel 100% into this hunt right now even if I didn't need it to get me out of the bunker for a while. Hopefully it'd result in a big win for us. 

Just as I was getting some things out of the trunk; an angel blade and some silver bullets just in case. There was a huge gust of wind overtaking me as I peered up and over the trunk. Slamming it shut, I looked around for Sam who was already off investigating the house. Before i could even comprehend, a body came flying from one direction between a few houses and though the sun was setting, i could still tell that the body was lifeless and most likely dead. It hit the side of another house a few metres away from me, the bricks causing so much impact that the arms and legs of the lifeless body flung in front of it before falling to the ground with the rest of it. 

I immediately made my way over to check who or what it was that had just gotten rag-dolled through an empty housing lot. The huge grey slab bricks where the body had hit held no blood on them, neither did the body... which was... strange, to say the least.

But, as I made my way forward, the sunset couldn't block my view from this, nothing could. Soft dark hair, smooth skin, gently closed eyes and peaceful as hell... it was him... or it was something possessing him, and if it was something possessing him, god help me I'd kill it. But I knew damn well who this was; it was Cas. It was perfect, disappearing, one of a kind... Castiel Novak. He was probably dead, but I still yelled for Sammy as an angel flew up and into the sky in the distance, wings forcing down the air in great swoops. I wouldn't move to check it out; I wouldn't leave Cas.

"Sammy!"

Sam's boots scratched on the gravel as he came to an immediate halt, "what is it?" 

I stared down at the lifeless body numbly and the words come out before I could even think of saying them, "It's Cas."


	8. A Family Or Something

~ Dean ~

Pacing up and down the bunker, I vomited out all of my words to Sam. It was really unlike me but nothing was like anything at the moment. Sam watched me from the table, confused by my sudden spew of emotions all over him. The bunker was lit by artificial lights, but it was dark without them. I felt empty and dark on the inside too, with just artificial thing to make me seem like I was lit up. Whenever I went to see Castiel though, those artificial things disappeared for a while, and all of that light that lit me up became him, him and his soft skin and perfect hair and beautiful... everything. 

"He could be dead." I told him again, itching the back of my neck. 

I watched his eyes roll, "I told you, he's not. He's resting in one of the rooms remember. He'll be fine dean." 

I ignored him, "-And what about you? How aren't you Stressed Sam? He's all happy-go-lucky teenage Cas and then *poof* he's gone and nowhere to be found, and then all of a sudden he's here. Right-goddamn-here! Isn't that a little weird to you? Or just too good to be true, oh god, that is waaaay too good to be true, isn't it?"

Sam stood up just to sit me down and pass me a beer that he had beside him for me, "I'm not stressed because Cas leaving didn't destroy me as much as it seems to have destroyed you," He laughed a little, "Just calm down Dean."

"So," I felt my nerves still up there but my heart rate slowing down with his words, "If he's just a vessel; what do we do?" 

Sam shrugged the biggest shrug I'd ever seen in my life, "I don't know. I guess the only way to find out is to wait for it to wake up." 

I could already tell he thought it wasn't really him, "It's not an 'it' Sam; it's Cas."

"I know, I know. But we don't really know what or who is in there right now." 

I nodded along; I knew exactly what he meant. Something could have found him and traced him just to use him as a vessel and get me all vulnerable and hurt, just so they could kill me. That wouldn't happen though; I was armed with an angel blade and thought it would hurt to kill something with his face, I would do it. 

Even if he wasn't possessed by an angel, an angel blade is still a blade and a blade can kill most anything.

"You know, if it is him... do you think he has a family or something?" Sam asked me suddenly. 

I took another gulp of beer from the bottle, "Maybe," and then I thought about how perfect he was and if anyone wouldn't want a family with him, "probably."


	9. I’d Have To Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas gets shook

~ Cas ~

I woke up in a dark room after fighting with One of the angels. I could barely even remember who had fought with me, probably Micah or Ishim. Pretty much everyone up in heaven now wanted me dead. I'd escaped them only a week ago and already they were back on my tail. I mostly believed that they held me captive now in this strange room... but it had a bed and even things like books and a chair and a lamp; the angels would have actually probably just killed me. 

I sat up with an exhausted groan and threw the blanket off of me. My feet hit the cold dark ground; my shoes were beside the bed. I put them on and my overcoat too; I just wanted to leave and run away from the angels again. A life running alone was easier than a life running with people to hold you back. As I slipped my feet in my shoes, I could hear two voices, one deep and low... almost like Dean's. But everything reminded me of Dean Winchester since I was dragged back to heaven. The other voice was almost unrecognisable. But I knew exactly what they were talking about. Hunting. 

I knew that I couldn't have been here for a good reason; they'd probably get information out of me, or just kill me, give me a nice place to sleep for a false sense of security or something like that. I couldn't be getting chased by hunters, not now, any day but now. 

Taking a step out of the door, my shoes clicked against the ground and echoed down a long hallway, making the hunters cease conversation. I decided to just bite the bullet and stride right through, If I needed to kill to escape; I would. 

The two hunters were- wait, no. They couldn't be. They were possessed; they had to be, surely this wasn't them. It was just... it was just them. Or maybe it was a heaven trick... or maybe it was real and all of my luck had just come at once after not having any for millennia.

"Dean?" I managed to say through astonishment. 

"Is it you Cas? Really you?" 

No! They were hunters too. How would I tell them the truth about me? Would I ever tell them the truth? I'd have to lie; if not forever at least just for now. 

I nodded though, through all of the worries and the impending lies I would tell, "I'm so sorry I had to go." I wrapped my arms around him tightly before I could even realise that I was so close. 

I looked over his shoulder as we hugged and saw him... Sam? 

"What? Sam?" 

"You don't know do you?" Dean smiled, pulling away and laughing a little. The laugh looked like it hadn't been there for a while. Even his eyes were a little wet by the looks of it. 

I shook my head. 

"He's my brother." 

"You never talked about family." I said to Sam before even getting to say Hi. It was like even though I'd been gone for so long, my lack of human contact was like I hadn't been away from them at all and had just replayed the only memories I had of my only real earth friends through the torture of heaven. 

Sam smiled and nodded just like Dean, "We're hunters. We... hunt things, evil things, you have to keep that stuff a secret." 

I nodded casually, even though I should have acted more surprised if I was supposed to know nothing of angels and demons and everything in between. 

"Something weird happened last night. Is that why you're with me here?" I asked them, pretending to have no clue why I was ambushed by a fellow angel. 

Dean talked before Sam could even get another word in, "Yeah. We think an angel got you." 

I widened my eyes, trying to very best to act human... which I was never great at, "Angels?" 

Dean nodded sympathetically, like all of this seemingly new information would hurt my naïve little soul, "I was just there for work." I made up a lie automatically; I'd gotten really good at doing that during my time on this planet. I continued on about how I 'have a job for a construction company and my boss called me late at night to look at why the electrics are playing up.' All of it was a lie though. I felt guilty for it but I had to do what I had to do for the time being. 

Later that night, As I was getting ready to 'sleep' Dean peered in through my door, "I missed you, you know." 

I stood up from the bed and walked just a bit closer to him, "I missed you too." 

"Where did you go?" Those words made pure unfiltered pain taint his eyes and whole face.

"I had to leave. It was family stuff. I'm so so sorry Dean," Yet again, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close, "I wish I could have stayed with you forever." 

He sunk into the hug, relaxing his whole body, "So do I." 

I pulled away pretty quickly; the thought of the guilt from my lies pushed me away from him, "we're together now." 

He smiled wide and gently, "Goodnight Cas." 

"Goodnight Dean."


	10. Supernatural Mishaps

~ Cas ~

"Morning." Dean smiled, larger than I'd seen him smile before. We stood in the small kitchen of the bunker brewing coffee. It was a little cold inside in the mornings and the large metal stove was probably the only thing in the whole bunker with warmth to it.

I smiled back, just as wide, even with my mind immensely preoccupied, "Morning."

"How did you sleep?" He asked, pouring out two coffees. 

"Fine." I lied; I don't sleep; I don't need to. When I did sleep, it was rare and plagued with nightmares usually.

"Where's Sam?" I asked him, looking around at the walls and all of the things in the kitchen alone... how did they get this place?

"Still in his room; doing some kind of research or something." He shrugged taking a sip of the piping hot coffee like it didn't burn his mouth. 

The thoughts of my lies hurt me, it would probably hurt them too. But i couldn't tell them yet; they were the hunters and I was the hunted... but I didn't know they were hunters then and everything was fine... But they didn't know that I was an angel either. Still things were better that way. I didn't fear them, but I feared hurting them. I also feared them hurting me... emotionally definitely, maybe even physically too. I was just fed up of hurt, of conflict; I just wanted to feel like I used to around Sam and Dean... even if that meant lying. 

"Hey," Dean lay his hand on my shoulder and it sent electric pulses through me, like I was a teenager fresh in love again. Some part of me felt like that still after holding onto those feelings to help me get through the torture of heaven, "You okay?" 

I looked into his eyes deeply to hide from my thoughts, "I'm fine," I did my very best smile, "Just thinking a lot." 

"Just tell me if you wanna talk about anything." he offered, but everything I wanted to say would ruin everything, for both of us.

I nodded, "I will." But, despite everything else, it felt good to be with them. 

I forgot one thing, one thing that I'd wanted to know ever since first meeting Sam, "what's you guys' last names anyway? Sam never told me, neither did you." 

Dean laughed, "It's Winchester..." He carried on speaking but I just zoned out again; I knew that name... I'd heard of them before. When I was stuck in heaven, I'd hear things of 'The Winchesters' like 'We just got word that the Winchesters are conspiring with Crowley again.' But I never cared to enquire more; they would have never told me anyway, prisoners didn't 'deserve' heaven's information. Nobody up there mentioned their first names though, like neither of Sam or Dean on earth mentioned their last ones. It was almost like it showed how much authority the angels have, or think they have, over everyone else; only surnames matter up there. But them being the Winchester's seemed to explain how we crossed paths again; supernatural mishaps seemed to follow them all around.

When I zoned back in, Dean was passing me a coffee which was still warm, "Are you sure you're okay?" He asked again. 

"Yeah, I'll be fine." I assured him. 

With that, Sam came into the kitchen, "We should all catch up properly right?" He got straight to it. 

Oh no, how in the world would i 'catch up' when my whole story of disappearing was me being taken back to, what was, my real home? I'd just have to lie further, but it would seem strange if i said no, so I'd just have to pretend to be human, "Yes. definitely."


	11. I Was Scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas can’t hide his secrets forever

~ Cas ~

I tried to mainly focus on them rather than them talking about me, which didn't work all of the time but worked enough. We all went to bed really late after talking for so long, but I don't sleep, so I just sat in my room all night, awake and trying to figure out how to tell them the truth. It had to be just right; I didn't want to ruin what I had found here. 

In the morning, everyone was asleep when I thought they'd be awake so I went out to get some fresh air. 

The air was crisp and the greenery all lush and beautiful. That was always something I had loved about earth; the wind and the natural beauty of what Chuck had created. After being in the bunker for a couple of days, it felt nice to be outdoors, even if my body did ache from the week's fighting and slow healing. I was barley an angel anymore, but what I did have left I saved for fighting mostly. Slow healing was probably worst part of it all; i got into lots of fights after all that I had done. I didn't heal as slowly as humans, but still, it was slow enough. Luckily though, I felt like my abilities were slowly rebuilding themselves after being back on earth and not under the watchful eyes of my superiors anymore.

While taking in the fresh air and the sound of birds chirping to signify morning, I heard a crunch in the leaves and turned quickly, before I could even realise that I was moving. All of my years of fighting alongside my brothers many millennia ago had taught me to use my quick reflexes when I was in my vessel. I felt the cold metal of my angel blade against my hand already. 

"Hello?" I asked intrepidly, "Is someone there?"

Before anything could answer, if it would have anyway, I was taken from behind with an arm around me and an angel blade pressed against my neck. It was Ramiel, I could tell by the way he whispered in my ear, "You've had this coming to you for a millennia." I could almost hear the evil smirk plastered on his face as he spoke to me. 

I waited for either a chance to fight back, him to drag me back to heaven or him to just kill me right there and then. But nothing. Nothing until he dropped his blade to the floor and let go with a wail of pain. I turned rapidly to face him, to see what had happened. Blinding beams of light were streaming through his eyes and mouth as his limbs stiffened in terror and agony. After only seconds, The blinding light stopped abruptly as his lifeless body crashed to the ground; it was Dean. 

"I came to see if you were outside and..." his eyes fell down, instantly drawn to the angel blade in my left hand, "Who's is that?" He asked, an almost hostile tone in his voice. He wasn't angry, but I was... at myself. I'd wanted to keep things secret for at least a week, not a single day. 

"It's- just." 

Though he had asked the question, he still cut me off; he never could wait. 

"Are you a hunter? Sent to find us or something? To track us?" This came out as more of an allegation than a question and it made me uneasy, upset almost. I wasn't afraid to admit that I loved Dean, but I doubted he'd love me after this. 

I held my hands up in protest, "No, no. It's just... I'm an angel Dean." 

I instantly could tell that he was angry, raw hostility was flowing through him and I knew it.

"Can I come back inside?," I looked around for other angels; they'd get word of the killing soon, "I need to explain." 

"Yeah," still, anger flew out of his mouth with every sharp word, "you should."

I followed him inside silently, not saying a word as to not make things worse. I stood up at the bottom of the stairs leading down from the door as he sat at the table waiting for me to start talking... I really didn't want to at all. But I knew I'd have to; I'd already said it now. 

"I'm an angel...." I was ready to say more but Dean cut me off, "yeah. I got that. But why the hell are you here?" 

"Because, you're my friends." I left it at 'friends' because right now, how he looked at me, it made me feel like we were barely that. 

He shook his head like he knew the answer when he really didn't, "No, you're not," that was the part that really hurt; made me a little angry; he was acting like he knew me more than I knew myself, "You here to report back to the others on us? To make us feel safe and then kill us? To take me for the vessel again? To take Sam?" 

What did he mean again? 

"No! I'm here as Cas. As just me. If I wanted to kill you, that'd mean I'd work for heaven and I'd be a lot stronger than I am. I don't even have the energy to try and kill. I'm not up for a fight right now; I'm weak; I've rebelled." 

"Nice try. Cute story, but I'm not buying it." 

"Dean I wouldn't kill you. I knew you years ago. I care about you, and Sam. I would have killed you already if I wanted you dead. I've tried to lie as little as I can. But what to you expect? You'd probably hate me; I know what the other angels have done... and I'm sorry." I knew that what the others have done to hunters wasn't my fault, but they deserved some kind of an apology. 

"Get the fuck out Cas." 

"Dean..." I said it like I was lost, which I was. But my throat sounded broken and my voice empty of everything, "you have to understand... I just... I didn't know what to do... I was scared..." 

Suddenly, Sam walked in on our awkward and painful silence, "what's up guys?"


	12. I Just Want Forgiveness

~ Cas ~

Dean told Sam everything. Though Dean was angry and pretty biast, Sam seemed to look through all of that with sensibility; he had convinced Dean to let me stay for a few more days, to prove why I was really here. Things were terrible though and I knew Dean wouldn't talk to me; he was too blinded by anger to see who I really was. 

I spent all night at the large table of the bunker, not brothering to even pretend to sleep; they knew now so I doubted anything could get any worse. 

Sam got up before Dean. Unless Dean was staying away from me on purpose, "How's Dean?" I asked Sam. 

"Not great," He replied honestly, which I appreciated a lot, "but he hasn't forced you to leave through everything I said, which means some part of him still wants you here." 

I nodded in recognition, "I just want to explain."

"You'll get to," he assured me, "I'll make him listen." 

I could even sense that Sam was a little angry, but it was understandable; I wouldn't want someone lying to me about their whole species either. At least he wasn't, what seemed like, furious at me too; I don't think I could deal with both of them disliking me at once. I hoped that I could fix this with Dean... I really needed this right now. 

"I just... it's been hard recently and I need him here, to listen, and to just... just forgive me. I just want forgiveness." 

Sam put his hand on my shoulder, "You'll get it Cas." He assured me. But I didn't mean just from Dean; I also meant from the other angels. Though at least one of the forgivenesses was in my reach, and it defiantly wasn't the angels'. 

I felt so lost on earth, and now the only 2 people that made me feel good when I used to live here were annoyed at my very presence. 

But I suddenly got a flash of memory; my thoughts of the past were too foggy to be consistent, "What ever happened to Charlie?" I asked Sam as he came back from the kitchen after putting his empty cup in the sink.

"Oh," Sam sat back down quietly, almost sombrely, "I hate to have to break this to you. But Charlie died a little while back now." 

"What? When?" I felt even more pain shoot through me. 

"A couple years ago, we ended up meeting again and she bang hunting. But a guy killed her on a hunt that we were working on, it was a guy called Eldon Frankenstein. Don't worry about it; he's dead now. But I miss her," he looked down at the table, moving his thumbs together, "I think that's what Dean's worried about with you, y'know? Loosing you like we've lost... well, let's just say we've lost a lotta' people." 

Though everything hurt, from my slow restoring health, to the argument with Dean to the news about Charlie; I pressed Sam for more. 

"Dean's worried?" 

Sam nodded like he was sure of it, "Yeah! 'Course he is; he missed you for all of them years. He really cares about you." 

I smiled a little through the pain. One side of my lips tugged up as I looked at the table like Sam did just a moment ago, "I missed him too." I replied numbly. 

I didn't see Dean all day, not even once. All I wanted to do was talk to him and explain; after being gone for so long, all I wanted was to clear everything up. But I'd wait for him I think.


	13. A Bit Irrational

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean needs to learn how to say sorry

~ Cas ~

I didn't need to sleep much, barely at all. But last night I needed it. I never slept when I was a full angel, but I definitely wasn't that anymore. I'd heard the angels talk of god resurrecting me or even restoring my powers; I hoped that would happen again soon.

I had a dream though, of the day I got pulled back to heaven; it was horrible. There were heaps of anger and fighting, but Gabe had managed to get away; he was faster and more skilful than I was when I was younger. Though I was relieved to escape the nightmare, I woke up in sweats and stuck with the thoughts and images of what I had seen. Maybe even what I had yet to see. 

I didn't want to get out of bed; I didn't really want to anything. But I knew I'd just be dwelling on what I could never fix.... but I knew I could fix one thing. I could fix what had happened with Dean. Even if I had absolutely no idea how to; I was horrible at pretending to be human, but better at talking to them. Me not acting perfectly human when I was reacquainted with earth years ago was okay because I was viewed as a teenager and it seems not many of them know how to act how they 'should' but now, even though I couldn't act human... I know how they feel. I think I feel the same. 

I needed to just bite the bullet and fix the one thing that was in my power to fix before it was too late.

"Dean," I breathed as I got into his room and was flooded with relief that he was still home, "please, we need to talk." 

Sighing heavily, he looked up at me, "Fine." 

I was surprised; I expected him to say No straight away. But his moods and opinions were ever fluctuating so I never really knew what to expect when he was in a mood with me... which had never happened until now. 

We walked silently to the main room, Sam was already sat there but I didn't realise as I had gone straight to Dean's room. They both sat down on one side of the table with Dean deliberately sitting away from me. A heavy sigh escaped me as I closed my eyes for a second and ran through my words for one last time in my head, preparing to tell the truth for the first time... ever. 

"You know part of the truth, but you don't know all of it. Years ago, just before I met Sam, I was thrown from heaven by my superiors for rebelling and disagreeing with their views. I found god on earth and he told me he was here to keep the archangels under control and retry their chances with humans. Out of his generosity he let me stay with 3 archangels; Michael, Gabriel and Lucifer," I almost left out Lucifer because I knew how people saw him now was even worse than it was, but -no; the truth needed to be told through and through, "... and I stayed with them and met Sam and Charlie and... you. It was the best time I'd had in a while, even if all but a week or two was just me and Gabriel on this planet that we didn't belong on. A couple of days after meeting you, Dean, the angels found us again after Lucifer showed up at our school. They dragged me back to heaven and tortured me, interrogated me and imprisoned me for years. Up until last week when I escaped, and then you found me. At the time of staying with Chuck and the archangels I didn't know that he had taken them to escape the heaven life and step back from controlling the reigns, so when Gabe escaped with the other angels, I was left to deal with all of the bad stuff that god had left behind. God's known for doing that now; leaving and not realising the mess he's left behind. But after a lifetime of forever, when you finally find the perfect people, you can't just let them get away like I'm letting you." I stared Dean deeply in the eyes.

Dean looked at me in confusion and maybe even a little wonderment, I could tell that he still didn't want to admit that he would forgive me; he was always so stubborn. 

"Cas I'm sorry you had to deal with that stuff; it all sounds horrible." Sam spoke first to break the silence. 

I smiled, trying to lighten the mood a little and to maybe even make Dean want to speak more, "Well, after being alive for forever you experience lots of bad things, this is just another bad patch." I told him, laughing a little and silently. But I knew that was false; I'd never had my whole species hating and wanting to kill me this much before. 

"Cas, I had no idea," Dean finally said, and you could almost see in his eyes that this was all he had thought about yesterday, "... I would have been scared too by the way... I guess I was just a tiny bit irra..." he mumbled the last words down so I couldn't hear.

I knew he was trying to say 'irrational' but was too damn stubborn to admit it, "what?" I smiled again. He smiled a little too, through the stubborn stone face. 

"Fine, I guess I was a bit irrational," He admitted in defeat, "but I guess I'm just not used to meeting an angel who doesn't want us dead." 

"I'd never want you dead."


	14. Just Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How about you Dean? Do you not have a romantic endeavour?”

~ Cas ~

That night, Dean and I spoke for hours and hours, filling each other in on what had happened properly. It felt good. I still could tell that Dean was a little annoyed, but it was like he'd learn to control that for me; he could have been just projecting his anger from other things onto me too. I understood how to deal with that though; Gabriel used to do it a lot.

But still it felt so good to tell the truth to someone; it was new for me because I never did it, but it was amazing, especially telling it to Dean. I already wanted to spend all of my time on Earth will him, or whatever I even had left before the angels took me again.

"Did you sleep well?" Dean asked in a yawn as he walked into the room where I was sat at the table. 

"I don't-..."

"Ohh yeahh." He reminded himself in his mind midway through me speaking.

I smiled at him; I'd missed that. Every now and again I'd think of heaven, but try to remind myself where I was now and how I was safer and how the angels can't find me in the bunker with the Winchesters. They may have gotten word of the killing, but there was no one there that saw, so I was the only one who knew I was with the Winchesters. 

"I missed you. I didn't get to tell you properly," Dean started as he sat down and looked at me deeply, "like really really missed you." 

"I did too." 'I smiled from across the table at him, leaning forward a little so that we were only about fifteen centimetres apart,

He smirked wide, really wide, "I know it's been countless years, but I never got to mention that Saturday." He gave me a small knowing look, as if we were teenagers again, which was nice because it felt like we were transported back to somewhat innocence. I knew what he meant though, that Saturday. Really it was the only Saturday we had properly spent together, but that electric connection was there, and it still was, after all that time. But I smiled too at the thought of when I kissed him. 

"Ohh," I grinned right at him, "that Saturday." 

It always felt like whenever I was around Sam or Dean that I felt human... or more human than I was; they made me feel love and care and what the angels would call weakness. But none of that stuff was weakness at all; it was all just reality.

The smile stayed plastered onto his face while I continued, "Well, Which part?" I went on trying to press him to remind me of when I kissed him; to hear the words from his own mouth, "... because we got a lot done that day."

"Oh..." he thought out loud, feigning confusion.

"Well...," I began, "we got breakfast... um, we talked over coffee, you walked me to my house, we agreed to see on Monday-..."

"- and then you kissed me." Dean finished quickly. I love this kind of stuff coming out his mouth; he was usually all strong and cold, but every now and again he'd be sweet and admit these soft truths that I'd do much anything to hear. 

"Oh yes, how could I even forget?" 

In that moment when I thought that his smile couldn't widen anymore, I was proven wrong; his eyes beamed a little and creased at the sides, "You not got some angelic chick up in heaven?" 

"No; I'm afraid you don't have much of a love life when you're a solider of god." 

"Ahh."

"And how about you Dean? Do you not have a romantic endeavour?" 

He laughed at me again, he seemed to be laughing a lot, and a lot happier. I definitely wasn't complaining; his laughter and smiles made me feel so good. 

He shook his head, "nope; hunting life doesn't give you a time to be stationary, or have much of a love life." 

"Ohh," I have to admit I was slightly relieved that he was single and free. I would say for the taking, but that could seem impolite. I looked down for a minute, thinking of his human flaws and his human politeness and human love and smile and warmth and how maybe, or even definitely, I loved all of it together, "How much did you miss me Dean? Was it really so bad with me gone?" 

His eyes shifted to the ground like mine did as he mulled over some connected thoughts, "I missed you so much," he looked back up at me, his eyes delving deep into some part of me, one that lit up and got all fuzzy and warm when he stared at me, "That I relived that day in my mind, every single moment of it, every single moment of you being gone... hoping you'd come back." 

"I did too." 

His eyes had a light wet glazing over them, like perhaps tears would flow. Maybe mine did too; sometimes I would start to cry without even realising that I was. Sometimes I felt like crying when I looked at Dean again, or sometimes when I looked around me at the planet I was on; the one that I chose, for myself, with the family that I chose too. 

I was too caught up in my thoughts to even realise anything outside of the walls of my mind until Dean's warm but rough hand planted itself on my cheek, "I wont let them take you; you're staying right here." 

"There isn't anywhere else that I'd rather be." I admitted wholeheartedly. 

-And then I felt it, that rush of emotions I got after waiting for him to forgive me, that same rush of unfiltered love and energy. He returned the favour, kissing me back just like I did all of them years ago. Every time he did it, I got a little more human, and it felt amazing. He had performed his own unadulterated impulse.


	15. Sounds Like A Plan

~ Dean ~

I woke up alone in bed; Cas was probably somewhere else. Yawning as I pulled the covers off, I remembered all of last night and smiled a hazy smile to myself, using my hand to run over my face and push off my sleepy mind. I loved Castiel, so goddamn much; I was madly relieved to have him back, to find out he's not an asshole like the other angels, to have him still love me back. I had never got to exchange this much physical contact with him before. He was always so warm, last night we stayed in bed together, just talking again and sharing stories even more and I had fallen asleep next to him, holding his hand loosely. 

Steam from the bathroom rose up through the crack in the door and I knew Cas was in there; Sam used the other shower. The running water stopped abruptly and the door unlocked so that i was faced with a wet-haired, shirtless and towel wearing Cas. The white towel hung loosely around his hips, "Hello Dean." He greeted me rather than 'good morning'. Recently everything he did made me happy, and I hadn't been happy in a long... long time; it was now an alien feeling, one that i was slowly but surely warming to. 

"Mornin' Cas."

He smiled a small grin at me and turned to the clothes drawers to get a shirt from the cupboard. The scars on his back were few but horrible; deep and long, stretching from shoulder to the opposite hip, some smaller ones dotted around and disrupting his heated and perfect skin. 

I snook up behind him and placed my hands on his shoulders, "Did the angels do this to you?" I asked quietly, whispering it in his ear from behind him. 

He nodded silently and turned to me quickly, his breath traveling down my neck as my own hitched and he stared at me right in the eyes, bare chest just a few centimetres from my own, "Yes. The angels aren't good anymore; I see why you don't trust them... I'm not like them Dean, I promise." 

"I know. You don't have to tell me again Cas; I'll always believe you."

"Thank you Dean, for everything. For your care, kindness, hospitality... and your forgiveness." 

"You don't have to thank me for anything; I was wrong at first, I'll admit it. But I just should have listened."  

Once we were finished talking and I had made Cas finally stop thanking me at all, we went to see Sam and all sat in the library to put our heads together to try and figure out what to do about the angels on Cas' tail, "I can't negotiate; I've already tried." Cas told us. 

"And we can't just go around killing them because they'll hate us even more, which wont help." Sam contributed. 

I thought for a second, "But we could make them stop, right? A little angel blade wielding, threats, powerful stuff, and then telling them to just back off." 

"Or they'd just kill you and take me as soon as they saw us." Cas said, which made me think a little more about what we could do. The angels hated each of us, a lot. But we didn't like them in return; they'd exiled and tortured Cas, they'd tried to kill me and Sammy and were pretty much all just huge dicks.

Sam piped up again with even more ideas, "What about negotiating with what you said Dean. Use a little 'you back off and we don't tell the other hunters where you are' or 'leave Cas alone and we'll stop trying to kill you.'" 

I nodded along, "Good, but I still want them dead." 

Cas smiled a little at me from across the table, and then looked at Sam, "A lot of the hunters are no match for a lot of the angels, and the angels know that so they probably won't care about much of what you have to say I'm afraid."

"We could think of some sort of negotiation, threaten them to disrupt heaven even more or something," Sam smiled at us, "The combined force of our havoc-wreaking could do even more than what they've done. The angels have already messed up heaven a lot, but we could convince them that we would do more damage."

Cas nodded along with his idea, "Me, You and Dean, the other hunters, you guys know demons; that threat alone could wreak a little madness. A lot of the superiors want to try and keep the little control that they have left and they'd probably do anything to maintain it." 

I thought out loud, "... And if they decline?" 

His face went stone cold straight, "Then I tell them I'll kill them." 

"Wait, but aren't you not as powerful as you used to be?" Sammy asked him. 

Cas spoke, "Yes, but my powers are restoring themselves the more I don't use them, and I haven't used them since you found me. I think god keeps helping me in these little ways, because maybe I don't think with their agenda, or maybe just because I stayed with him and he knows me well enough to know I'm not evil..."

"So," I started, "We just tell them we'll mess up what they already have, and you have the power of god or something on your side? sounds like a plan." 

Sammy nodded as Cas smiled, "Sounds like a plan."


	16. One Single Thing

~ Cas ~

"What if this all goes wrong?" I asked Dean as I lay on the bed next to him, resting my head on my palm and elbow on the pillow. 

"Then," Dean began, inching a little closer to me and snaking a hand over my hip and sighing in a morning groan, "We all stick together and do whatever we can to get them off your ass." 

I smiled to him, his face inches from mine, "What if whatever is more than we can handle?"

"We can never handle enough if it means you can stay." 

My smile stayed, and I had already decided that a smile was definitely my favourite human thing other than love, and I was defiantly partaking in both of them a lot more than ever recently.

Dean was warm in the mornings, and his hair a little messy with the whole room doused in the yellowish tint of sunrise; it was something that made me feel no need for regret about what I did in heaven... leaving, corrupting, escaping and disregarding their morals. The more time I spent with the Winchesters, the more I felt that all of those things actually needed to be done, like I stood up for what I believed in and that was okay. 

"What are you thinking about Cas?" Dean asked, utmost care and worry filling his eyes as his hand still rested on my side. 

"I don't know," Maybe I did know, "Everything." That was true; I couldn't pick out one single way to explain what I was thinking about, because it's hard to explain when all of your thoughts are from different places at once.

Dean sighed a tired breath, "Tell me." He prompted. 

It was always hard to say no to Dean, especially with a tired smile and soft eyes in the morning, "Heaven mostly; what I've done, what god did, how he left us, Lucifer... everything. How they ruined all that I had, even when I didn't have much." My eyes averted themselves from him as I deliberately hid what they showed; pain. 

"Hey," Dean's rough palm rested on the side of my face gently, "Cas, You're not there anymore. You were brave; you did what you wanted to in a place where no one does that. You don't need to worry about that stuff anymore, I'll do all that for you now." He really was sweet and sensitive when he wanted to be. 

"One person did what they wanted," I took a second to think about if I should say it or not; if I should even go there by comparing myself to him, "Lucifer." 

Dean's hand was taken from my face as he sat up in the bed quickly, making me slowly sit up too, "Don't even compare yourself to him. We you know you're better," he inched closer so we were almost touching again, "I know you're better than that... And tomorrow, we'll show them that too." 

Sam, Dean and I stayed in the bunker again, a day of peace before what felt like my reckoning. They were so adamant on believing that things would be okay, and I was so adamant on believing that everything would go wrong. Maybe that was because I couldn't even start to think of a time when I'd had a positive encounter with a fellow angels straight from heaven. But neither could they, I think that Dean doesn't want to start thinking of if they lost me again. I didn't want to think of that either, but I had already started worrying about it as soon as I arrived a week ago. Something within me didn't feel right about any of what would happen tomorrow, not one single thing.


	17. Perhaps To be

~ Cas ~

We were in the car by 7am, me sat in the back while Dean drove next to Sam in the passenger seat. Yet again I didn't sleep; sleeping isn't normal to angels. Though I never really slept, I wished I could sometimes, to try and just forget about heaven... even if it meant chancing a nightmare about it all.

"You're gonna be fine... We'll be aright Cas," Dean assured me as I stared through the glass of the window in the back seat, it was like he could tell something was wrong without me needing to say anything... or he just knew I'd be so worried, "You're staying with us, even if that means i have to make things worse. We'll fix everything." The things we drove by on the roads, the trees and hills and rivers, passed quickly, fleeting like my sense of safety and happiness with the Winchesters.

Dean was always in denial when it came to someone he loved getting hurt, wether it was me or Sam. He was doing that exact thing right now while I stayed adamant with the belief that something would go wrong. Things always went wrong with angels; they didn't accept me as one of their own, one of their brothers, and that hurt more than anything. 

"You don't know that Dean." 

He kept his eyes on the road, but tightened his grip on the wheel with my words, "Yeah I do." I wanted to believe him, I really did. But you could sense doubt in his tone of voice, even a little worry too. 

We arrived in a clearing of trees, the mud dried under our feet and the sky a soft blue-grey. There wasn't a tree for miles, and not another human for even more than that. If this took place here then no one would get hurt... or killed if the angels decided to smite. But Sam and Dean stayed by my side; they weren't afraid. I loved how they weren't afraid. 

I swung open the car door with a creak after the impala had been brought to a halt. Dean waited outside of his door for me to step out behind him; I almost stopped myself because I knew I would do anything to just go back to the bunker and stay hidden for the rest of my time on this planet... which would be a long long time... if they never got me anyway. 

"Cas, I can see the worry on your face," Dean told me, stepping one step closer, "and it shouldn't be there; we're here." The assurance that he gave was meant wholeheartedly, like everything he said. But, just like all he assured me, I didn't believe any of it. 

Even Sam peered over, "We're gonna sort this out Cas. If Dean's says we'll fix everything, then we will." He smiled a little at his older brother, it made me smile a little bit too. 

Still though, worry shifted behind Dean's stoic eyes; something within him was off, like somewhere deep down he agreed with me that everything would go to hell. I even took the way he wouldn't stop assuring me I'd be okay as a sign that he was nervous too... or maybe I just wasn't used to people telling me I would be fine; nobody had ever cared as much as Sam or Dean to assure me of my own safety.

I nodded to him in affirmation that I know what I needed to do. I knew there was no way out for me, this was the role that I must play in this part of the story that I was living through. 

So with that, I stepped forward past Dean and brushed my hand across his to feel his skin against mine. Blowing in my hair wildly, the wind pushed my trench coat about too as I stood in the clearing, arms open and eyes closed to the sky, "I'm here! Come get me!" I yelled to the clouds that almost immediately began twisting and swirling above my head. Branches on far off trees shook vivaciously in the animalistic winds of celestial fury. Leaves blew near me but never close enough to touch as the clearing was so dead. 

Abruptly, an angel appeared before me in a flash of light from above where the clouds stayed swirling. My eyes set upon them and ripples of quaking thunder rolled through the surrounding clearing. It was Micah. Micah was the angel of the devine plan; the one who stood among chaos to rise with peace and order... or what heaven believed peace and order to be. I was actually pretty relieved that they had sent Micah; an angel that was so obsessed with the rules and so obsessed with power and the 'Devine plan' might listen to what Sam and Dean had to say about causing chaos.

"Castiel," Micah's vessel stayed with eyes to the floor before slowing raising them to face me, "Brother." 

The vessel was a woman, with long dark hair, swirling down as it blew in the strong gale force winds. But the darkness of the hair, the shadowy eyes, heaps of eyeliner and pale skin made the vessel look a little sinister... Micah had bonded with the vessel strongly... but not strong enough; the skin was wearing away and it obviously wasn't powerful enough to hold Micah's power. Though Micah wasn't a seraph like I was, the vessel still seemed to be too weak; short notice vessels are never the perfect choice. The vessel wore a leather jacket, a baggy white t-shirt, dark skin tight jeans, heeled boots and a grey lipstick. 

"Micah. I see your vessel is wearing away." I pointed out quickly. My voice was stoic and dry; no compassion or emotion was needed with reckoning. 

She ignored the comment I had made and retorted with her own, "- And I see you have ran back to the Winchesters. Can't stay away from them. Can you Castiel?" That hurt a little bit to hear as it made me feel like I was a coward... but I was slowly starting to feel like i was proud of what I did and had always been happy when I was with either of the Winchesters.

"Why have they sent you?" 

All of the humour that she had found in her previous comment drained from her face, "Because I keep peace, and we want you to see the thing you're destroying; order." An angel blade slipped down her sleeve with no hesitation. 

"We can cause more disruption that anything you know." Dean stepped forward to stand beside me, his hand brushed past mine again. 

"You wouldn't dare."

Then sam was beside me too, "Oh we would," he snarled, "And you know it." You could see her begin to panic for a second before sinisterly smiling to herself ever so slightly. 

"Or I couuuld...," Her eyes rolled over to the side as if she was contemplating something... with a devilish smirk, "Just take Castiel back to where he belongs." 

Before any of us could move, Micah was beside me with an angel blade to my throat. No sigil to blast us both away, no way out but mine and Dean's angel blades. Dean held his blade and came close with fury, but Micah's blade just pressed harder against my throat, "Dean," I croaked out with the little voice I could gather in the back of my throat, "Don't... We-We'll fix this. Just don't make this worse... Than it... Has to be." 

"Oh, boohoo," Micah mocked, "You keep trying with that."

"I love you..." I confessed to Dean with all the pain but sheer confidence I could muster, and before he could answer, I was in heaven. Locked away again... perhaps to die, perhaps to never escape again... or perhaps to be rescued.


	18. I Never

~ Dean ~

"Son of a bitch!" I yelled through pure rage as I kicked the car; I never kick the car. 

"Dean. We'll get him back." Sam tried to reason with my anger. 

"Shut up Sammy." I never tell Sam to shut up. 

He stayed quiet when he'd usually protest to me. But he was done, drained even. I was too. But I wouldn't stop fighting; I never stop fighting. 

I never stop anything; I'm always living, always fighting, always trying, always hunting, always killing... but still, always fighting the good fight for who I loved. I knew I'd never stop that. I love Cas. I knew that much. When I loved something, I got it goddamn back. When Sam was gone, I got him back... I was determined to save what I had left. Though he'd only been gone for just a matter of minutes, it hurt more than it would hurt missing someone normally; I'd been missing him for years and years, and then I got have him constantly for a week or so... and then... *poof* he's gone again. E.T. Returns home. 

I wouldn't make him stay in heaven; I wouldn't let him slip away from me that easy. 

"Let's go home," I felt Sam's hand grip my shoulder, "If we can't do anything today; we can decide what to do tomorrow." Before I could even reply, before it felt like anything had even happened, I had already numbly walked myself to the car and was sat in the drivers seat with my hands on the wheel tightly in pure anger, or maybe to just feel like it was tethering me to reality, that it was keeping me here and not letting me float off into my head.

The drive home was longer than it felt getting there, which was strange as it usually felt the other way around. But without Cas' voice chirping up from the back seat, it was eerily quieter. Sam didn't speak; he didn't know what to say, and he knew there was nothing that he could make me feel better. 

I didn't get to kiss him Goodbye. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to tell him I loved him. 

My mind was elsewhere, but so far off that I couldn't even find it. I had to wait for Cas to help me find it. I felt pathetic, but you always do when someone you care about leaves so abruptly, gone to a place you know they are trying to escape from. I didn't even want to think about what could happen to him up there; what was happening to him right now. He had told me that you didn't even need to pray to him, that he could feel when I needed him, or when I was longing from him... could he feel it now? Could Castiel feel the utter longing, the utter pain, that I felt when he as gone? Did he feel it too, for me?

Sam and I spent the night trying to think of a way to get him back, but I wasn't much help; I was full of pure anger and determination to get him back, that made my ideas irrational and my judgement... poor, to say the least. 

Half way through trying to gather a plan to get Cas back, I just... left. I got up and I left Sam, left the bunker, left every part of me there with it; I couldn't just keep all my rage inside anymore. But I had nowhere to go for help, I had no one to talk to but Sam... I had nothing... No one. 

I ended up getting drunk at a bar about 10 minutes into the nearest town. Not too drunk, but drunk enough to blur all of my sadness together into one huge pool of regret. It sounded stupid, all of this moping and angst. But I felt it so strong that I couldn't mask it with anything else this time. Around the back of the bar was brick wall, so I went to it, mind going black, and put my right palm against the cold and rough bricks. With my other hand, I punched as much as I could. With every hit, my mind got blacker, just with flashes of everything that had hurt me in the past however many years of suffering that Sam and I had endured, and how once I had something that was good for me, it was ripped from me. This life, this hunting business, this... everything, that I was living in. Was it really worth all that I had lost? Even against the little that I had gained? Yes, I saved people from the bad things, but I never got time. Never time to heal, time to feel safe myself... time to love or stay still, not for a second. 

I came out of the black deep fog of my anger and felt nothing in my hand; the pain came back in sharp jolts eventually, but never straight after as the numbness was still wearing off. 

When I got back to the bunker, Sam was asleep. He usually waited for me to get back, but I'd get tired of waiting after so long too. He was asleep in his room, so I tried to go to mine and get some sleep too. But I couldn't; nothing worked. Not counting, not thinking 'happy thoughts', not listening to music. Nothing- So I prayed. 

"Castiel. I don't know if you can hear me. Hell, I don't know if you can hear anything wherever they have you. But I miss you already; having someone back after so long... it makes it hurt more when they're gone. But you won't be gone for too long," a tear fell down my cheek, rolling hot and slow, "Sammy and I, we're trying to think of a plan, and you know how good he is with that sort of stuff. I'm sick and tired of everything good, everything I love, being taken from me, so you're gonna be home in no time... I'll make sure of it Cas." 

I unclasped my hands and stood up from the edge of the bed. I did sleep, only for a couple hours. But that was enough for me now. 

Sam woke up with a plan, and I was so goddamn ready to listen.


	19. ‘I’ll Do It’

Dean?????

When I went to the library in the morning, Sam was sat with his attention on a book, and countless others around him. 

"Mornin' Sammy." I smiled a little, still with less enthusiasm, but enough to make me seem like I was coping better than I was. 

He looked up rapidly, like he was a little surprised to see someone standing there, "Mornin' Dean," He folded the book and put it to the side of him beside the others, "How're you doing?" 

I shrugged, like it was no big deal, like I was doing okay, "Fine. Don't worry about me Sammy," He looked at me strange with every word that I said, like he knew I was faking this calm, he even glanced down at my bandaged up hand but said nothing, "What are you reading?" I asked, trying to change the subject off of me. He almost stopped himself from telling me so that he could ask me if I was really okay, but he carried on with the books, telling me what they were for. 

Sam tapped his finger on one section of a dark brown book page, "This," He began, turning the book around to me, "Is a spell to ward a vessel inside." 

I looked up at him in surprised confusion, "Why do we need this again?" My mind went a little blank for a second. 

"You saw that angel. Well, the vessel was rotting, like it wasn't strong enough to hold the power. I did some research, and the angel said something about it keeping order, well that was Micah, and Micah didn't have their true vessel. Now, if we could find a vessel strong enough to hold the power of Micah, we could find a witch, or even try ourselves, to ward the vessel so that we could control Micah's power, making them weak against us." Sam explained, and it was genius. 

"Sammy, that's a great plan." I admitted, a genuine smile on my face this time. 

He smiled an innocent boyish smile from the seat he was sat in, "And I found this," He turned his laptop to me like he did with the book before, "Someone in a local newspaper a couple hours away claims to hear the 'voices of angels' and call themselves a 'seer to the devine plan'."

"You think this could be our guy?" I asked, scrolling through the 'local interests' section of the small town newsletter and setting my eyes upon the small, thin, brown haired and blue eyed man. The thin frame of his glasses made him look fragile, he was quite a way over middle aged by the looks of it anyway; just getting frail and ready to retire. 

Sam agreed with me to go as soon as possible and before we knew it, we were two hours away from the bunker and getting ready to knock on the door of this 'seer' William Golson. We were dressed in our normal clothes, coming as 'journalists' to do a piece on what we saw in the online publication of the newsletter. 

"Hello. We're Frank Jean," I motioned over to myself and then at Sam, "And Roy Letton. We're journalists here to talk about what has been explained in your local paper. Are you Mr. Golson?" I asked in a polite voice; if I seemed honest and kind, he'd be more likely to talk to us. 

"Yes," His tone was already a little apprehensive, "What paper are you with?" 

I looked over at Sam, utter confusion in my eyes, but he pipes up, "The, um, Lebanon Times..." 

Mr. Golson furrows his brows for a second, "Hmm, Well, come on in." 

We all sat awkwardly in his small living room, the dark salmon and floral couches give it a really old-person feel. Everything looked like it could fall apart at any second, but everything was extremely clean; there was not much dust and not really any dirt at all, "So," I began, taking out my notebook to look like I was doing the job I said I did, "Tell us about these 'angel voices' as you put it." 

"Well, It's pretty constant usually, but I hear these angels speaking. Sometimes they're screeches, sometimes they're mumbles of the words 'Castiel' and other times I hear things like 'winchester' or 'prophecy' I don't know what much of it means. But I can piece things together, and sometimes it is clear as day what they're telling me." 

It sounded like he was tuned into angel radio.

"... And how exactly can you tell that these voices are angels specifically?" Sam asked. 

Mr Golson shifted how he was sat on the seat, "Because, they speak of mostly divinities, prophecies, I hear angel names; Lucifer, Gabriel, like I mentioned before, Castiel. They tell me of the Devine plan." 

I could tell that Sam was just itching to get to what we needed to say, so he just went for it, saying everything without hesitation, "You hear of Micah a lot, Don't you?" 

He nodded, taken aback a little, "Yes. How do you know that?" 

"What if we told you that you were his true vessel? That Micah needs to posses you to be able to look like a human and not have to stay as his true form." 

"Well, I wouldn't not believe you," that was a relief; we wouldn't have to explain everything in further detail again, I really didn't want to waste time talking... I just wanted to get Cas back, "With all that I hear of angels and heaven and demons, I'd probably agree."

"You can be the vessel whenever you choose. You need to say yes to him if you want to take on the roll. But It's important to us- really important..."

Before he could say anymore, I cut sam off, "Micah's taken someone really, really special to us, and we need you so that we can offer you as a vessel in return for him... for Cas."

I felt guilty doing this, maybe I was guilt tripping this poor guy. But I was so desperate for Cas to be back, to be safe, that I didn't care about anyone else but him now. 

"Is this a Bad angel? One that would cause pain to many more than just this Cas fella'?" 

I shrugged, "We don't know. But if you're the vessel, we want to ward you so that Micah can't do any of that bad stuff, so that we can stop him from doing all that before he's even started it."

"I'll do it," he replied instantly, "Look around boys, I have no family, no wife, no kids, I'm past the half way point of my life, I'm basically a three quarters dead with already declining health... I don't have anything else. But if I can use myself to be helpful one more time... even if it's just to you, then I'll do it. I see how much you care about this 'Cas' and I once felt the same for someone," he glanced over at a picture of a dark skinned woman, smiling in a golden frame, "And I would want her back too. At least this way, eventually, soon, I will see her again. Just as you'll see Cas."


	20. Warm And Home

~ Dean ~

We had to sleep eventually after explaining to Mr Golson all of the details of our plan. Luckily he had two spare rooms in his big empty house so Sam and I didn't have to pay for a motel and he just let us stay with him. The house was eerie, but so was staying in the house of a man you were going to let someone else control the body and consciousness of. 

We all got in the car together in the early hours of the morning, and we took him to the bunker as he marvelled at the place. It all felt so fast, but we managed to do the warding and the spell ourselves, even through Mr Golson's almost unbearable screams and yells of pain through the spell that was changing the insides of his body for when it would belong to something else in just under a couple of hours. 

He sat at the large table with us, having one last beer, "I'm so sorry." I told him after taking a sip out of the bottle. Sam went out to sort out the car and then go to his room for a little while. Mainly to regain composure as he had frequently told me he couldn't to this to Mr. Golson. But I agreed with him, this felt so wrong... but so did living without Cas.

"Eh," He shooed the idea of apology away with his hand, "You're doing me a favour kid. I may not look too old. But I sure as hell am old enough to be tired of this goddamn planet," he laughed a little to himself, "I've seen my fare share; I've seen war, happiness, love, loss and everything in between. This way I can go helping someone, and I can see her when I'm dead at the end of it all." He grasped a locket at he had around his neck on a delicate silver chain.

I nodded my head a little, smiling sombrely. Last night he had questioned us about who we really were and said that he was glad we told him the truth, because if he was going to 'do this, then I want to die knowing all those vampire books I read as a kid weren't all bullshit for nothing.' 

He made me and Sam laugh a lot the night before, and he was a good person. It was a shame the good ones had to meet such horrible ends. Part of me knew that I'd never be able to apologise enough, even if he got sick of it after so many sorry's last night. 

When we were in the car, Mr.Golson asked us both a question we didn't really know the answer to, "What if Micah doesn't take the bait? What then? What are you gonna do about this Cas fella'?" I for sure didn't want to think about that one, and I knew I'd been putting off even thinking of it. 

My hands gripped the wheel tighter as we drove back to the clearing, maybe out of panic, or worry, or even just something to tether me to a reality where we do get Cas back... where we can all just be together again. 

"Then we'll find a way," Sam told him, "Any way we can." 

The wind was icy cold again, the grass and remaining trees were miles out like small blips in the distance. Before i could even go over the plan once more, I screamed to the sky for Micah to appear, with Castiel... That we had an 'arrangement' for them both. 

It was just like yesterday; the ice winds, the swirling clouds, Micah appearing like a shock, but this time grabbing Cas by the collar as Sam stood with Mr. Golson behind me.

Blood corrupted Cas' perfect face like a virus spread across his body. There were small cuts all over his arms and chest; they'd opened his shirt to cut into his torso. His tie lay draped over his shoulders around his neck. He had no fight left in him, you could tell that much by just looking at him. He was worn out, and I would be too. It even looked like the journey from Heaven to earth had taken it out of him. 

"We have a proposition for you Micah," Sam yelled over the wind across the empty clearing space; I couldn't speak, I just made direct eye contact with Cas as he fought to stand upright. I shook my head a little and slowly out of anger, my teeth clenching weakly... but I didn't want to fight, not right now, not anymore. But through all of this, Sam continued, "Your true vessel for Castiel." He proposed. 

"How do I know this isn't a trap?" 

"Good question. But you've seen out every move, haven't you? spying on us probably from heaven." 

We both knew that was true; Micah was sneaky from what we had read, that he would check up on threats to his plans for heaven. Luckily, he couldn't see what we were doing in the bunker, the plan that we had. If we had said anything outside of the bunker about it, we would just have to hope he didn't hear it, or see it... or that he left to hurt Cas while we put our plan into action. I hated to say that, or even think of that, but at least Micah being gone... even to worsen things for Cas, would save him forever.

"Smart, aren't you boys," Micah smirked wildly, the vessel still wearing away just like a couple of days before, "We don't need Castiel anyway." The smirk became a laugh. 

"You have to leave him alone after this. You have to let him live." 

"I can tell you now, I can't stop anyone coming after Castiel. But I can stop the superiors from chasing him If you like." 

"Yes. Now give us Cas, and we'll give you Mr. Golson." 

We had, so far successfully taken advantage of Micah's weakness; the plan that Micah had. They knew that this would result in us probably not disrupting the 'order' that they thought they had created over heaven, and it made it such an easy decision for them. 

Micah had convinced Sam to give him Mr, Golson first. We went along with it; there was no way we could loose out on this anyway. As Cas looked at me, worry filled eyes almost infecting my own, I smirked at him knowingly... to tell him that he would be safe. 

We didn't even have to tell Mr. Golson to go to Micah; He just... went. He walked himself over, strolled even. No care in the world. Nothing to leave behind, nothing to go to. Just him, walking to his end, in an eerily peaceful stroll across a dead and lonely clearing. He turned behind him and saluted us with two fingers, smiling a little, but genuinely, "Goodbye Boys." 

Micah let his vessel fall to the ground, dead, as a blue swirling celestial energy glided over to Mr. Golson and filled his body with celestial power and grace. We watched as Micah cracked their neck and turn to us with a smirk. Cas sat on the floor, a couple of metres from Micah. An urgent wide eyed look shot from Cas to myself, telling us to run, go and never come back. But we knew, everything would be just fine. 

"Now," Micah began, walking to Castiel and heaving his body up from the ground, "To show you, that you will always loose." He raised an angel blade to cas' throat, and though I knew everything would fine, it still majorly panicked me. 

"No," I told him simply, "You're going to heal Cas, and you're gonna leave us the hell alone." 

Cas looked at me with severe confusion until Sam read a line from the text we had brought with us, and Micah's angel blade was thrust from his hand. 

"What? What have you done?" 

"This vessel, it may be yours. But the insides, and the wardings and spells, make it your prison... and our puppet," I smirked at him viciously, "Now, heal Cas or we kill you now." 

Before we could say anymore, Micah had lay his hand upon Castiel's forehead. The cuts and bruises and blood were gone, and Cas was out cold on the floor. His chest was rising and falling gently and it made me wish we were still in bed together like a few days ago, watching him peacefully breathing beside me.

"You'll regret this." Micah sneered with all the anger he could muster, but I didn't listen; I just ran to Castiel, sprinted maybe. The grass stained my jeans as a kneeled on the floor, but I couldn't care any less, as his tired, sleepy, warm body lay in my arms gently. 

His head rolled to the side to nuzzle into me closer. He breathed a heavy sigh, taking in my scent. I leant down and kissed his cheek, resting my forehead on his, "I love you." I mumbled to him. 

"What?" He croaked out in a sleepy haze, his almost inaudible voice making me feel warm and home. 

"I never got to say it back," I nuzzled in a little closer again, "But I do love you, I really do."


	21. Isn’t Such A Bad Thing To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Human isn’t such a bad thing to be.”

~ Cas ~

I woke up from a hazy, foggy dream, something about Dean. But then again, when I do sleep, now I always dream about Dean. When I opened my eyes, I was in Dean's room in the bunker, and it almost felt like some horrible mind game, or a trick. But then I remembered that all of this was real. I was lay in the foetal position, but I turned onto my other side and snuggled into Dean, my face nuzzling his chest; knowing that I was finally safe. I felt Dean groan a little, waking up slowly as he turned to me, a huge smile plastered on his face as he pulled his arms around me. 

"Mornin' sunshine." He grinned to me, his voice all rough from sleep. I had remembered everything, even the parts from heaven... the parts that hurt me. But at least Micah had healed me fully. I still had scars from the time before last they tortured me; the knife that they had used was warded and somehow they left permanent scars. There had to be one angel who could get rid of them, but I didn't care about any of that heaven stuff now; just Dean. 

I closed my eyes in the blissful aura of Dean Winchester, "Good Morning Dean." I exhaled slowly, breathing every breath slowly and calmly as to savour his scent. 

"It's Nice, to have you here, to have you back," he told me, "how are you anyway?"

I knew why he was asking; who would be okay after being held in heaven?

"Better than I thought I'd be... for now anyway."

Dean exhaled deeply and closed his eyes. I felt his arms tighten a little around me, making me feel even safer again against the thoughts of heaven, "Good, but you tell me if anything happens. Even if you feel a little off, you tell me." 

I smiled deeply and laughed a little, still feeling more human around him, "I will. Don't worry about me." 

"I worry about you, and I worry about Sam; that's my job Cas." 

I shook my head slightly against him, "We can worry for ourselves." 

"I'd rather do that for you." 

I shook my head again, he opened his eyes and looked down at me, grinning, "What?" 

"Nothing. You're just- I don't know. I'm just... lucky I guess." 

"lucky?" 

"Yes, extremely. To be here, with you. To have found you and Sam again. Just to feel... loved. After all of that time and torture and hate and abuse, it's hard to feel loved again. But you manage to make me feel so, so loved... and so, so human," I looked up at him, right into his green marble eyes the ones that cause my unadulterated impulses, "And when I'm with you, human isn't such a bad thing to be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much if you’ve read all the way to the end... or congratulations??? But thank you nonetheless. I started posting this fic yesterday-ish on both Wattpad and here on Ao3 and so far I’ve concluded, through this time of using Ao3, it’s waaay better for getting your fics noticed and way better as a site for fanfic it’s self. 
> 
> I know this isn’t a great fic, but the next one I upload will definaltey be better as this was more of an experiment, but I did still enjoy writing it and I quite like how it’s turned out in the end. 
> 
> So thank you and goodbye until next time... which probably won’t be that long.


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